I love a good denial. And I must say I am in the upper 1% when it comes to denial. La-di-da, all is well, I tell myself, as I lard up. Alas yesterday I decided to face the truth and got on the scale. 162. 162! I had weighed 153 in mid-November. I denialed myself up 9 lbs.
It’s the denial that is so dangerous to me. Far more dangerous than 9 lbs. It’s that I can tell myself that with my 6 mile a day walking and my daily pilates, I can pretty much eat as I please. But that’s bullshit. I cannot because I am food-centric. It’s my go-to for self-soothing and stress relief. And it’s my way to celebrate and to enjoy myself. I pleasure-seek through food. I explore neighborhoods with food. I enjoy a quiet evening with food. And I often misuse food and eat to great excess because I cannot stop.
Jane, you’ve inspired me by facing your debt to face my current love affair with food. As Jane tells in our intro, our shared food addiction was our initial bond. Jane has largely been healed from overeating (although as addicts we know the beast lurks nearby always). I have had periods of long remission and then periods of relapse. Happily none of my relapses have ever taken me back to those early days when I found OA. I am very grateful for that and that the 12 steps are in my soul and available to me anytime.
I have a healthy eating food coach these days that I check in with periodically. I had a prescheduled call with her yesterday and told her honestly about my weight and state of mind re food. With her prodding, I came up with 5 things I can and choose to do in the next week to address my eating.
1. Daily food diary. (Something about writing it all down does work. It really fights that denial thing.)
2. I will refrain from eating cheese and pasta after Sunday (party that day!).
3. I will be in bed by 11 pm. When I don’t get enough sleep, I am more likely to eat and nighttime is my favorite time to hang out — and of course, eat.
4. I will clean my office by Sunday. The clutter and mess is messing with my sanity.
5. I will do my 10 minute meditation daily.
So I have a plan. That to me is the essence of integrating Step One. I may not follow it perfectly but I have it.
Eat & Spend 