I’ve been spend-fee for two full weeks. Still not sleeping, with dreams offering the most obvious symbolism my brain is apparently able to conjure: a dream about my wallet being burnt to destructive, one about feeling deep shame for a frivolous purchase, one about running and running and not getting anywhere. I’m shocked my subconscious can’t do better. Maybe tonight, knowing the actual dollar amount of my debt for the first time, I’ll have a truly psychologically riveting dream that taps into my deepest psyche.
I finally took a peek at what I owe. It’s a number I recognize; it’s as much as I make in a year.
$18,250 CitiCards
$ 5,640 CapitalOne
$11,477 BofA MasterCard
$ 3,000 Credit dentist gave me for a recent mouth issue
That last one really hurt. I was ashamed/embarrassed to have to take interest-free credit from my dentist instead of paying outright for a $3500 tooth issue. In fact, it was this relatively small bill that shocked me into the realization that I really am falling down the rabbit hole. I don’t have an emergency fund of even $3,000 AND I’m maxed out on my credit cards.
Another wake-up call were my credit scores:
Used to be in the 800s. I’ve learned that, even though payments are never missed, when credit cards are maxed out, credit score plummets.
I do not have a plan. I know that failing to plan is a plan to fail. I need to sleep (nightmare) on this.
Eat & Spend 